Hopefully, by the end of reading this, there will be at least one nugget you keep or want to try out. The purpose of this supposed ‘insight’ is to highlight the ‘small things’; more often than not, they are staring you in the face. It’s only when we highlight them to each other (like, marketing and advertising do for us) that we reach an “oooohhhhhh” type of moment.
Right, Men, let’s start with you. What do the ‘small things’ mean, what do they look like, and how to put them into practice. Straight to the point, it is all about listening to her. Yes, that’s correct. All you need to know, she will tell you herself. Now, at this point, you’re probably like “right, okay, annnddd I’m done with this, thanks for that revolutionary insight…useless article.” This interaction can and does happen at all stages of ‘interaction’, be it casually seeing someone, dating more exclusively, in a relationship, and all the in-betweens. In a relationship, things might be more direct (we’ll get there). Regardless of the type of ‘engagement’, when you are having casual chit-chat, catching up on your day, joking about, discussing new movies, music or fun events, this is all gold dust.
Why is it gold dust? Simply because if you listen correctly, she is literally telling you exactly what she likes, what makes her happy, finds funny, what she finds fun, etc. It is almost a surface-level playbook to her ‘happy’ points.
So, let’s bring this full-circle here, instead of a generic ‘flower’ or surprise dinner date, which (don’t get me wrong are still ‘wins’), but, if you in that correct moment ‘listened’ to her, you can use what she has told you herself (there is no guessing) that she really enjoys x, y, z…
Meaning if you order coffee together and remember how she takes it, her favourite cocktail, dessert, snack, movie, music, etc., she will notice and will remember. Now, don’t expect anything to happen, this will sit and work in her mind. She will note ‘he does listen and is paying attention’ there is a level of interest you are showing her.
Generally speaking, at the start of interactions, women can have greater emotional sensitivity than men. Once a man decides (subconsciously or not) to be emotionally invested, they (on average) are emotionally hypersensitive, having exposed themselves.
Nevertheless, it is about timing and sensitivity, showing her you are present, and those ‘small gestures’ will go a long way. Doing it for the appropriate reason.
Right, ladies. How do the ‘small things’ apply here? It is too relevantly straightforward, and as with men, defining how we get to the ‘small things’ is what makes this (hopefully) helpful.
Generally speaking, men are proud beings, with egos being a central dynamic to their personal composition, but each with different ‘buttons’. Some might be proud of their position in work, others sex, physique, a craft, a skill, etc.
Now, right or wrong (it doesn’t matter), for generations (on average), men have been raised to feel and view the weakness in expressing and experiencing emotions. Why is that a part here, well, have you ever tried to have a conversation and a man has just shutdown, tried to move things on immediately, or reacted poorly? “mmmmhhhmmmm”.
Where does that lead? Ultimately it means men have difficulty processing and expressing emotions, particularly in combination or if associated with their egos. This is where we bring in the ‘little things’, when you are trying to engage him on an emotional topic that you think could cause a reaction, so to speak, don’t create an intense space or force a ‘moment/conversation’.
Instead, try approaching him openly and coming from a place of positivity. When you give someone constructive criticism, one can express the negative “the following is shit because x, y, z are all wrong, why did you do it like that? You should have done it like this, isn’t it obvious?”. Try positively reinforcing, “this is an excellent starting point, we can build on this, I love how you’ve started this, we could make this stronger when we”.
Don’t isolate him, push him into a space he feels vulnerable, can’t move out of or navigate in a while having his ego bruised. It is too much to emotionally process (as always); he will shut down, look to leave, move the conversation along or blow up. Build from a place a space, openness, small increments, one of working together and above all, positivity.
